A Daughter's Worst Fear

As I write this my mom is in surgery. She is having a section of her colon removed where a cancerous polyp was located. They caught it very early and her Dr's believe that she will not need any further treatment. But I am faced with my worst fear as a daughter, the fear of losing my mom.

My parents are relatively young, I haven't considered their death or even addressed it anywhere in my mind. My parents are also both healthy. I have worried more about what would happen to them if they lost me than I have about losing them. I have never considered what my life would be like if they were not around. I have never considered what I would feel or how I would deal with losing my mom. Until now....

I have to admit I do have some issues with my mom although we have a good relationship. But no amount of issues would ever keep me from having her in my life.  I don't know what I would do or where I would go. I know how devastating it was for me when my grandma passed away. She helped to raise me, I was always with her and we were very close. I can't even imagine what losing my own mother would be like. I have not dealt with this situation, her needing this surgery. I just went on autopilot. I don't know that I am dealing with it now.

I think I am paralyzed by my fear. I think that I am afraid that if I face it, feel it, deal with it then it will be real. I am just not ready for that. Even as I sit here watching the monitor that tells me she is in the operating room, I am not dealing with it. I'm sitting here writing this and its like it is happening to someone else. It doesn't help that I am here alone. Not that more than one person needs to be here in the waiting room for the next 3 hours of her surgery. Not that even if someone else was here I would magically be ready to face this. I'm 30 yrs old, I am not prepared to face the mortality of my barely over 50 parents.

This isn't my first time dealing with this bastard they call cancer. I hate cancer, I hate the word, I even hate that it is my astrological sign. If I never spoke that word again it would still be too soon! I'm filled with anger over having to deal with this SOB again.

I dealt with the illness and eventual passing of my mother-in-law whom I adored. It was horrible. But it made me feel blessed to have my own parents. I felt blessed by their good health. Now I wonder what will I feel blessed about. This makes me feel angry and guilty. Angry because I know I have an abundance of blessings in my life. Guilty because my husband and his brothers have already lost their mom. Guilty because I feel angry at God. Guilty because I am angry. Angry because I feel guilty.

I'm in a bad place today. I can't find the beauty and the blessings right now. I have faith, and I guess that is something. Something more than not having faith. I know the blessings and beauty are there, even when I can't see or feel them. I just want to find that peace I feel, that I am so proud of.

I am going to end this now. Sorry for the rant, the little bit of a pity party.


Parting Prayer:
Lord help me to find peace. Protect my mother carry her safely through her surgery and heal her body. Help me find patience, strength and keep my faith. Forgive me for my angry thoughts, I know you deserve better. I also know you understand and you know my heart like no one else. I put my mom in your hands, I know that your will shall be done. Send your angels to protect her and your love to surround me. In Jesus name - AMEN