Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009

What a year it has been! Reflection is something I often find myself doing around this time of year. I have grown accustomed to evaluating my life based on the anniversaries of losses, because at that time I am ever mindful of how precious and fleeting this all is. But those evaluations tend to be pity parties, and because of my state of mind often are not accurate or constructive. So today, I decided I would reflect on my year at the appropriate time, the end of it. Perhaps my thoughts will be clearer when they are not clouded by grief.

This year I believe God's lessons for me were, patience, humility, sacrifice, and FAITH. My faith has definitely been tested as I reached the 2 yr mark of trying to conceive. At the beginning of the year I joined a message board that at the time was helpful even therapeutic. But as time went on and the wonderful ladies that I so loved chatting with began to get their positive pregnancy tests my spirits were dashed. So I decided it was time to take a step away, I decided we would stop "trying" and just let it happen if it was going to. This was my first lesson in humility. Then several friends, my brother in law, and my baby sister all announced their impending parenthood. Each bit of "happy" news was a dagger to my heart. Again my faith was tested, and I learned humility. I perfected the happy face, and realized I must continue to be patient. I got angry, I cried, I yelled, I begged, and I pleaded. Finally I began to just pray. But monthly, like clockwork, my faith and those prayers are tested. I know how blessed I am to have my beautiful son, but the sadness still comes in waves.

My health has not been good during 2008, and this has also tested my faith. It is a frustrating thing to know that something is wrong but hear doctor after doctor tell you that they cannot find anything wrong. So last resort - the rheumatologist and a sleep study. Those results will be revealed in 2009. In the meantime I am on a new medication that makes my pain manageable and I can function again.

My prayer and hope for 2009 is that it will be filled with joy. I pray that God will grant my hearts desire and give me the baby girl I have been praying for. I hope that the 3 yr mark of my trying to conceive journey will pass without notice because I will be on the expanding belly journey. I pray that my patience and faith will increase. I hope that this year will be our most prosperous yet. I pray that God will continue to touch my husbands heart, and bless our family. I pray that my son will learn more, and act crazy less. I hope that the 3 new babies that are on the way in my family will be joined by a 4th, my own. I pray that my husband and I will continue to grow closer and our relationship will increase. I hope that I will have the determination to stick to my healthy eating and exercise plan so that I can feel better about my body and be healthier. I pray that I will be a better steward of our families finances. I pray that the housing market will turn around so that my Real Estate license is not just paper, and people will be buying homes instead of losing them. I pray that our new president will be guided by his heart and soul, so that he may be the catalyst for the real and lasting change we need. I pray that I can learn to just let go. But most of all I pray that the new year is better than the last, that in all ways my blessings are increased, and my lessons learned much faster.

Happy New Year!

Time Flies When You Are Raising A Son...

In 3 days my baby boy will be 4 years old! I cannot believe that 4 years has passed us by so quickly. It seems like just yesterday I was getting ready to go to the hospital to have him. I remember the excitement, fear and anticipation I felt. I remember feeling as if my heart would just burst the first time I saw him. I remember memorizing his face and little hands while he nursed. I can still picture him underneath the Christmas tree in his stocking. It seems like just yesterday he was just holding his head up, sitting up on his own, walking and talking for the first time. I can still feel how happy I was the first time he said "Momma" and the how deeply the knife cut the first time he said "I can do it myself!" My baby isn't much of a baby anymore. He can hold his head up, sit, walk, talk, run, go potty, open doors, put on his jacket, and play on the computer all by himself. He is the word police and happily tells us when we are saying "bad words" He can spell his name, knows most of his letters, can count to 20, and goes to school everyday. I am so proud of him and all he can do, but my heart feels sad because the time has gone so fast. Everyone told me that it would, but I guess until it happens to you, its hard to believe. So my baby is now a big boy, and as happy as I am, I feel a little sadness too!

Heartache

I am feeling pretty bummed right now. I am surrounded by women having babies. While I am happy for them, especially since most of them are first time moms, and I have already been blessed with the amazing gift of my son, my heart still aches. I have been on this trying to conceive journey for 3 years and 8 months, and I think that I am finally ready to give up. I am starting to believe that another baby is just not in the cards for my husband and I. This breaks my heart on several levels. I really want to have the girl my beloved mother in law didn't. I have always felt that my son was for my mom and dad who never had a boy. When we decided to try to have another baby I felt in my heart that it would be a girl because my mother in law wanted a girl and ended up with 3 boys. So although she is no longer with us, some part of me feels like I have let her down. I also never wanted my son to be an only child. I never wanted him to feel like he was alone in the world. I want him to have someone to grow up with. At some point, God willing a very long time from now, my husband and I will no longer be here, and I don't want my son to be alone. I know by that time he will likely have a family of his own, but there won't be anyone who shared his childhood with him. I hate to fail, and I feel like after all this time that I haven't had a baby that I have just failed. I am trying to understand God's plan for me but each month that passes it gets harder. I have always believed that God would give me the desires of my heart, and now at times I feel like I am losing faith. I HATE that! I am thankful for all the blessings that I have been given. I know that there are women out there who have never experienced pregnancy, and I have. I know my son is a gift and a blessing. I know that things happen in God's time not mine, but my heart can't take much more. I feel some what lost. I don't know what to do. I am full of contradictions. I believe that God will give me the baby girl I so desire, but I am angry that it hasn't happened. I have faith that God has a plan, but I feel so lost. I know that God is with me always, but I feel so alone. I look into the face of my beautiful son and know how blessed I am, but I steal feel cheated. All the conflict and turmoil I feel, just makes me feel worse. I feel bad for being angry, I feel selfish for wanting more when I have so much. I want to scream at the top of my lungs "WHY NOT ME" I cry, I yell, I pretend to be ok, I pray, I beg, and I hope. I hear all the platitudes, and smile. The "it will happen when it is supposed to" and the "you know as soon as you stop trying it will happen" I know that the people in my life say these things with the best of intentions, but they are like daggers into my heart. No one around me understands what I am going through. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy with what I have? I just don't know why I can't just let this go and move on. Maybe there is something more that I have to learn, maybe I need to be broken before I can be blessed. Maybe I need to just own my pain, and stop putting on a brave face and smile about this. I just don't know but I will continue to pray for clarity, strength, patience, and most importantly understanding.