Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009

What a year it has been! Reflection is something I often find myself doing around this time of year. I have grown accustomed to evaluating my life based on the anniversaries of losses, because at that time I am ever mindful of how precious and fleeting this all is. But those evaluations tend to be pity parties, and because of my state of mind often are not accurate or constructive. So today, I decided I would reflect on my year at the appropriate time, the end of it. Perhaps my thoughts will be clearer when they are not clouded by grief.

This year I believe God's lessons for me were, patience, humility, sacrifice, and FAITH. My faith has definitely been tested as I reached the 2 yr mark of trying to conceive. At the beginning of the year I joined a message board that at the time was helpful even therapeutic. But as time went on and the wonderful ladies that I so loved chatting with began to get their positive pregnancy tests my spirits were dashed. So I decided it was time to take a step away, I decided we would stop "trying" and just let it happen if it was going to. This was my first lesson in humility. Then several friends, my brother in law, and my baby sister all announced their impending parenthood. Each bit of "happy" news was a dagger to my heart. Again my faith was tested, and I learned humility. I perfected the happy face, and realized I must continue to be patient. I got angry, I cried, I yelled, I begged, and I pleaded. Finally I began to just pray. But monthly, like clockwork, my faith and those prayers are tested. I know how blessed I am to have my beautiful son, but the sadness still comes in waves.

My health has not been good during 2008, and this has also tested my faith. It is a frustrating thing to know that something is wrong but hear doctor after doctor tell you that they cannot find anything wrong. So last resort - the rheumatologist and a sleep study. Those results will be revealed in 2009. In the meantime I am on a new medication that makes my pain manageable and I can function again.

My prayer and hope for 2009 is that it will be filled with joy. I pray that God will grant my hearts desire and give me the baby girl I have been praying for. I hope that the 3 yr mark of my trying to conceive journey will pass without notice because I will be on the expanding belly journey. I pray that my patience and faith will increase. I hope that this year will be our most prosperous yet. I pray that God will continue to touch my husbands heart, and bless our family. I pray that my son will learn more, and act crazy less. I hope that the 3 new babies that are on the way in my family will be joined by a 4th, my own. I pray that my husband and I will continue to grow closer and our relationship will increase. I hope that I will have the determination to stick to my healthy eating and exercise plan so that I can feel better about my body and be healthier. I pray that I will be a better steward of our families finances. I pray that the housing market will turn around so that my Real Estate license is not just paper, and people will be buying homes instead of losing them. I pray that our new president will be guided by his heart and soul, so that he may be the catalyst for the real and lasting change we need. I pray that I can learn to just let go. But most of all I pray that the new year is better than the last, that in all ways my blessings are increased, and my lessons learned much faster.

Happy New Year!

Time Flies When You Are Raising A Son...

In 3 days my baby boy will be 4 years old! I cannot believe that 4 years has passed us by so quickly. It seems like just yesterday I was getting ready to go to the hospital to have him. I remember the excitement, fear and anticipation I felt. I remember feeling as if my heart would just burst the first time I saw him. I remember memorizing his face and little hands while he nursed. I can still picture him underneath the Christmas tree in his stocking. It seems like just yesterday he was just holding his head up, sitting up on his own, walking and talking for the first time. I can still feel how happy I was the first time he said "Momma" and the how deeply the knife cut the first time he said "I can do it myself!" My baby isn't much of a baby anymore. He can hold his head up, sit, walk, talk, run, go potty, open doors, put on his jacket, and play on the computer all by himself. He is the word police and happily tells us when we are saying "bad words" He can spell his name, knows most of his letters, can count to 20, and goes to school everyday. I am so proud of him and all he can do, but my heart feels sad because the time has gone so fast. Everyone told me that it would, but I guess until it happens to you, its hard to believe. So my baby is now a big boy, and as happy as I am, I feel a little sadness too!

Heartache

I am feeling pretty bummed right now. I am surrounded by women having babies. While I am happy for them, especially since most of them are first time moms, and I have already been blessed with the amazing gift of my son, my heart still aches. I have been on this trying to conceive journey for 3 years and 8 months, and I think that I am finally ready to give up. I am starting to believe that another baby is just not in the cards for my husband and I. This breaks my heart on several levels. I really want to have the girl my beloved mother in law didn't. I have always felt that my son was for my mom and dad who never had a boy. When we decided to try to have another baby I felt in my heart that it would be a girl because my mother in law wanted a girl and ended up with 3 boys. So although she is no longer with us, some part of me feels like I have let her down. I also never wanted my son to be an only child. I never wanted him to feel like he was alone in the world. I want him to have someone to grow up with. At some point, God willing a very long time from now, my husband and I will no longer be here, and I don't want my son to be alone. I know by that time he will likely have a family of his own, but there won't be anyone who shared his childhood with him. I hate to fail, and I feel like after all this time that I haven't had a baby that I have just failed. I am trying to understand God's plan for me but each month that passes it gets harder. I have always believed that God would give me the desires of my heart, and now at times I feel like I am losing faith. I HATE that! I am thankful for all the blessings that I have been given. I know that there are women out there who have never experienced pregnancy, and I have. I know my son is a gift and a blessing. I know that things happen in God's time not mine, but my heart can't take much more. I feel some what lost. I don't know what to do. I am full of contradictions. I believe that God will give me the baby girl I so desire, but I am angry that it hasn't happened. I have faith that God has a plan, but I feel so lost. I know that God is with me always, but I feel so alone. I look into the face of my beautiful son and know how blessed I am, but I steal feel cheated. All the conflict and turmoil I feel, just makes me feel worse. I feel bad for being angry, I feel selfish for wanting more when I have so much. I want to scream at the top of my lungs "WHY NOT ME" I cry, I yell, I pretend to be ok, I pray, I beg, and I hope. I hear all the platitudes, and smile. The "it will happen when it is supposed to" and the "you know as soon as you stop trying it will happen" I know that the people in my life say these things with the best of intentions, but they are like daggers into my heart. No one around me understands what I am going through. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy with what I have? I just don't know why I can't just let this go and move on. Maybe there is something more that I have to learn, maybe I need to be broken before I can be blessed. Maybe I need to just own my pain, and stop putting on a brave face and smile about this. I just don't know but I will continue to pray for clarity, strength, patience, and most importantly understanding.

Meltdown Days

Today is August 23, what should have been my mother-in-law's 61st birthday. Sadly she is not here to celebrate it. On top of which yesterday was the 9th anniversary of my grandmother's death. This delightful combination is the perfect setup that is necessary to create a massive meltdown on my part. Add a side of stomach flu, and touch of trying to have a baby for 2 1/2 years and I think I am dangerous. Not to mention I have a 3 yr old who freaks out when cry, a husband I feel I need to be strong for, after all it was his mom. But sometimes I feel strangely selfish and territorial about her. Weird I know. So I try to reconcile these feelings inside myself and will try to only cry in the shower or when I am doing laundry, since no one pays attention to me then. Two amazing women no longer in my life and that my son will never know. He met his "Grandma Linda" but was not even 2 when she passed, and I worry he will not remember her. As for my grandma she has always been his angel. My life was blessed by these women and it saddens me that they are not here anymore. It hurts my heart that these women are not here to see my son grow up. I believe that they are watching over us, but that doesn't change that I wish they were here. So to both of these amazing women: I love you and I miss you!

Thoughts on Regret

Recently a good friend of mine lost her father suddenly and tragically. She wrote a blog about him and how she felt about him, including her regrets. It got me thinking, if God forbid, something happened to my dad, what would my regrets be? My dad and I have had a complicated and sometimes painful relationship. I think, because we are very much a like, a fact I have only recently come to realize. In the almost 4 years since my son was born, our relationship has been better than it has ever been. But, because I never really spent that much time with him, or called him on a regular basis, I still don't. That is not to say that I don't love and adore him, because I do. Its just that seeing or speaking to him was never part of my routine. This saddens me even now, because the best memories I have of my childhood are of my relationship with my grandfather, and feel like my history with my dad may be depriving my son of the same relationship. I guess you can say my friend's loss has opened my eyes to what my regrets are and would be. I know that nothing can change the rocky road my dad and I traveled in the past but I can make the effort to change the future and give my son the opportunity to have a wonderful relationship with his grandfather, and myself the chance to make sure that I am not left with any regrets. Life is short, we are not promised tomorrow and should try our best to let people we love know how we feel about them.

Capital One - Problems with a CAPITAL P!

I am totally frustrated with Capital One! My husband has an account with them that happens to be in his name only. We are pretty diligent about paying this card on time. The payments are pretty low and we would like to keep it that way. A couple of months after we got the card we had an issue where all of a sudden a bunch of past due charges showed up out of the blue. Luckily I keep meticulous records on when I pay things, how much and the confirmation number. So I call to find out what is going on, my husband of course had to authorize them to speak with me, we were able to fix the problem and the erroneous charges were removed. Then 2 months ago I paid the bill on the due date, and a few days later found that we had both an overdue fee and an overlimit fee. I again called, again my husband had to authorize them to speak with me. I spoke to the first agent and she said there was nothing that she could do, she was very snooty and rude. I asked to speak to a supervisor who argued over when I had paid with me. He also told me there was nothing that he could do, that his "system" would not allow him to issue a credit for the charges. He also at one point was laughing at me. I asked to talk to his supervisor. She was wonderful, she issued the credit without a problem and the call ended with me having a positive view of Capital One. Last month I made sure that I paid the bill several days in advance and there was no problem. This month I was sick and did not pay the bill until the day that it was due, and once again I have a past due charge. GRRRRRR! So again I have to call and get it corrected the only problem is that my husband has to be here, because for some reason they can't manage to make a note of the fact that he has authorized me as someone who can make changes and call about issues on this account. It is extremely frustrating! I just don't understand why or how I can be charged past due fees when I make the payment on the due date! It just doesn't make any sense. At any rate I get to have another chat with Capital One agents, lets hope this time I get some one with a BRAIN! Or at least a heart!

One small step for chubby girls, one giant leap over skinny b*tches

I am definitely on the Winokur Wave!

I LOVE that Marisa Jaret Winokur is on Dancing With the Stars. It is a step in the right direction! It is so nice to see someone who looks like me on TV. I had almost forgotten that there are women out there like me, my brain has been so over run by starving stick thin shells of women. HOORAY for the fat girls of the world. Between Ugly Betty and Dancing with the Stars I think that we can change the face of TV! Plus it was an added bonus to see the look on Karina's face when Marisa was told she was staying and they were in the bottom 2!

Wouldn't it be amazing if our children grew up watching a TV that was a true representation of the world around them. I know I know people are gonna say that it is not healthy to be overweight. But not being overweight does not mean being a size 2. There are many of us out there that could live off of 3 peanuts and a bottle of water for the rest of our lives and NEVER be a size 2. Besides which some of us are not meant to be super skinny. I know that when I have been thin, if I lost too much weight I looked ridiculous. Yes, be healthy. but don't force yourself to be a size 2.

So HOORAY for beautifully plump women everywhere, WE ROCK!