The Man of My Dreams.....

Four years ago today I married the most amazing man. He is everything I never knew I always wanted. It seems silly to say that, because he is everything I ever could have asked for and more than I thought I deserved. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.  I look back at the pictures from that day and I can feel the overwhelming joy. It truly is one of the happiest days of my life.

Our relationship hasn't been all roses, some of the thorns have been HUGE. We have been through so much in our 6 yrs together it seems like we have been together much longer, but in a good way. Its hard to see past him to what was before, it feels as though I began my life when he entered it. We have been through an unexpected pregnancy, premature labor, c-section, a sick baby who had to be hospitalized for urinary tract reflux. He has been by my side through post-partum depression, unexplained illness, crippling migraines, infertility and now Fibromyalgia. We held each other together while carrying for his ailing mother, and grieving her eventual passing. He held my hand and told me everything was going to be alright, when we faced a health scare with my own mom. We have backed each other up, helped each other's siblings, defended each other, encouraged each other, and brought each other back to Earth. Ok, that last part mostly applies to me. I admit I am "artistic" a poet. I am prone to wild flights of fancy. He grabs me by my ankles and sets me firmly on solid ground. It is something I never knew I needed. I do! He is a little shy, and a lot geeky/nerdy. But he has me to make him do crazy silly things. I remind him its ok to be silly, its ok to have fun and that sometimes you have the most fun when you make a complete fool out of yourself.

He is an amazing father. He truly enjoys being a dad.

He is my best friend, my partner, my counselor, my co-parent, my lover, my other half, my better half, the love of my life. He has taught me what love is, what it feels like to be loved, and the meaning of unconditional love. There is no one else I would want to share this journey called life with. There is no one else I would rather fight with, struggle with, parent with, and grow old with. So today on our 4th anniversary, I say here is to another 40 and beyond. I love you!

A Daughter's Worst Fear

As I write this my mom is in surgery. She is having a section of her colon removed where a cancerous polyp was located. They caught it very early and her Dr's believe that she will not need any further treatment. But I am faced with my worst fear as a daughter, the fear of losing my mom.

My parents are relatively young, I haven't considered their death or even addressed it anywhere in my mind. My parents are also both healthy. I have worried more about what would happen to them if they lost me than I have about losing them. I have never considered what my life would be like if they were not around. I have never considered what I would feel or how I would deal with losing my mom. Until now....

I have to admit I do have some issues with my mom although we have a good relationship. But no amount of issues would ever keep me from having her in my life.  I don't know what I would do or where I would go. I know how devastating it was for me when my grandma passed away. She helped to raise me, I was always with her and we were very close. I can't even imagine what losing my own mother would be like. I have not dealt with this situation, her needing this surgery. I just went on autopilot. I don't know that I am dealing with it now.

I think I am paralyzed by my fear. I think that I am afraid that if I face it, feel it, deal with it then it will be real. I am just not ready for that. Even as I sit here watching the monitor that tells me she is in the operating room, I am not dealing with it. I'm sitting here writing this and its like it is happening to someone else. It doesn't help that I am here alone. Not that more than one person needs to be here in the waiting room for the next 3 hours of her surgery. Not that even if someone else was here I would magically be ready to face this. I'm 30 yrs old, I am not prepared to face the mortality of my barely over 50 parents.

This isn't my first time dealing with this bastard they call cancer. I hate cancer, I hate the word, I even hate that it is my astrological sign. If I never spoke that word again it would still be too soon! I'm filled with anger over having to deal with this SOB again.

I dealt with the illness and eventual passing of my mother-in-law whom I adored. It was horrible. But it made me feel blessed to have my own parents. I felt blessed by their good health. Now I wonder what will I feel blessed about. This makes me feel angry and guilty. Angry because I know I have an abundance of blessings in my life. Guilty because my husband and his brothers have already lost their mom. Guilty because I feel angry at God. Guilty because I am angry. Angry because I feel guilty.

I'm in a bad place today. I can't find the beauty and the blessings right now. I have faith, and I guess that is something. Something more than not having faith. I know the blessings and beauty are there, even when I can't see or feel them. I just want to find that peace I feel, that I am so proud of.

I am going to end this now. Sorry for the rant, the little bit of a pity party.


Parting Prayer:
Lord help me to find peace. Protect my mother carry her safely through her surgery and heal her body. Help me find patience, strength and keep my faith. Forgive me for my angry thoughts, I know you deserve better. I also know you understand and you know my heart like no one else. I put my mom in your hands, I know that your will shall be done. Send your angels to protect her and your love to surround me. In Jesus name - AMEN

This Blog

So I have had this blog for about 5 years. As you can see from my archive I have not been very diligent about posting. I guess I have never figured out what I want this blog to be. I know I want to write. I have been writing for as long as I have known how and been making up stories longer than that. I like to write stories and poems. I like to write my opinions. I even like to report news, I was on my high school newspaper. So with all these things I like to do, I never figured out which way to take my blog.

This year I put on my to do list that I would blog once a week, journal and pursue my artistic delights. So why not do all of that here?! The problem is, I never feel like I can completely express EVERYTHING I am feeling. Especially when it comes to my life and the people in it. I love that so many of my friends and family read my blog, via Facebook. But that also handicaps me a little when I want to vent about one of them. So what do I do, express and hope that everyone read my disclaimer, or edit and preserve everyone's feelings except my own.So using my blog as a journal of sorts is out.

What about pursuing my artistic delights. Writing, well I have HUGE anxiety about sharing what I write. I have only read one of my poems in front of people, ever in my whole life. I feel exposed and raw when I share my poetry, its like standing in front of a crowd naked. But there is an amazing poetry community in my town, that I would love to be a part of, so I guess I must learn to share. Alright so I will be sharing.........................my.............poems. GULP!

Now lets talk photography, well that I can do and do easily. For some reason I don't feel so exposed when I share my pictures. I still feel anxiety about whether or not they are good enough, but I suspect that most people do. At least that is what I tell myself. Ok so I can share my pictures.

I am going to share my opinions, I am going to participate in writing prompts and inspiration provided by my fellow bloggers. I follow some amazing women and they provide me with great inspiration.

Now I just have to do it.