Meltdown Days

Today is August 23, what should have been my mother-in-law's 61st birthday. Sadly she is not here to celebrate it. On top of which yesterday was the 9th anniversary of my grandmother's death. This delightful combination is the perfect setup that is necessary to create a massive meltdown on my part. Add a side of stomach flu, and touch of trying to have a baby for 2 1/2 years and I think I am dangerous. Not to mention I have a 3 yr old who freaks out when cry, a husband I feel I need to be strong for, after all it was his mom. But sometimes I feel strangely selfish and territorial about her. Weird I know. So I try to reconcile these feelings inside myself and will try to only cry in the shower or when I am doing laundry, since no one pays attention to me then. Two amazing women no longer in my life and that my son will never know. He met his "Grandma Linda" but was not even 2 when she passed, and I worry he will not remember her. As for my grandma she has always been his angel. My life was blessed by these women and it saddens me that they are not here anymore. It hurts my heart that these women are not here to see my son grow up. I believe that they are watching over us, but that doesn't change that I wish they were here. So to both of these amazing women: I love you and I miss you!

Thoughts on Regret

Recently a good friend of mine lost her father suddenly and tragically. She wrote a blog about him and how she felt about him, including her regrets. It got me thinking, if God forbid, something happened to my dad, what would my regrets be? My dad and I have had a complicated and sometimes painful relationship. I think, because we are very much a like, a fact I have only recently come to realize. In the almost 4 years since my son was born, our relationship has been better than it has ever been. But, because I never really spent that much time with him, or called him on a regular basis, I still don't. That is not to say that I don't love and adore him, because I do. Its just that seeing or speaking to him was never part of my routine. This saddens me even now, because the best memories I have of my childhood are of my relationship with my grandfather, and feel like my history with my dad may be depriving my son of the same relationship. I guess you can say my friend's loss has opened my eyes to what my regrets are and would be. I know that nothing can change the rocky road my dad and I traveled in the past but I can make the effort to change the future and give my son the opportunity to have a wonderful relationship with his grandfather, and myself the chance to make sure that I am not left with any regrets. Life is short, we are not promised tomorrow and should try our best to let people we love know how we feel about them.