An uncomfortable situation

As I write this blog my husband is in surgery. It is relatively minor surgery he is having 2 ganglion cysts removed from his left wrist. It is a day surgery but he is under general anesthesia. The surgery and the anesthesia are not really what is bothering me. The thing that is bothering me the most is the fact that my husband is rarely sick. I don't know what to do with myself. I am usually the one in the hospital bed being wheeled off to surgery or for tests. I am the one with the health problems and now I don't know what to do. I am comfortable with being the one getting treatment. I am calm and reassuring. I make everyone else feel more at ease. But being the one sitting in the waiting room is a new and uncomfortable experience. Why can't I be calm and reassuring for myself?

Before I met my husband I was proudly super independant. I am talking, shopping, movies, dinner by myself independant. I didn't mind doing anything and everything alone. As a matter of fact at the time that I met him I had really begun to feel so comfortable with being alone that I wondered if I would ever want to be in a relationship again. I had made a plan for my life if I never met that person who would make me want to share my life. Then entered my husband. No joke the first time I saw him I knew that if we were to get together he was the man I was going to marry. Perhaps it was love at first sight or God whispering in my ear "There is your husband, the man you have been praying for" Either way he was not what I had expected. He turned out to be everything that I never knew I always wanted. We have built an amazing life together. It is not filled with money or material things, but with riches of a far more important and lasting kind. We have hit bumps, pot holes, and the occassional brick wall and have figured it all out together. I love our life with our son, our relationship with each other and all that we have built. I guess seeing him wheeled away from me made me realize that I don't know how it all works without him. I mean if you take the transmission out of car it doesn't exactly continue to go.

I know that God has blessed me with more strength than I know I have. That being said, I am not sure how it would ever be ok. I am not trying to be morbid. I know that he will be ok. I know that I put him in God's hands and I believe that God will bring him back to me. But this is the first time in our 5 yrs together that anything close to a thought of him not being here has ever entered my mind. He rode a motorcycle as his primary transportation for 3 yrs and even then I was not as apprehensive as I am now. I know that it is all going to be ok, in my mind. But my heart is having trouble catching up.

I know the whole soulmate idea is antiquated and weird. But he is my soulmate, he makes me feel whole and complete. He is my perfect complement. He is my equal and the other side of my personality. We are so different but we fit together perfectly. He is the best husband and father I could have asked or prayed for. He is just what God knew I needed, much more than what I wanted.

Ok so I am sick of myself and my pity party! I know he is going to be ok and since I can't stand my whining anymore I am going to let it go. I am going to sit back play a mindless game, read or just watch CNN on the TV in the waiting room. Ok so I am not going to watch CNN because they are talking AGAIN about Michael Jackson's memorial and I am sick of hearing it. So anyway I will be back my blog buddies a little later to update all of you on the success of the
surgery.


**UPDATE**

So the surgery went great. The Dr removed both cysts one the size of a marble and the other the size of a grape. KD came through with flying colors. No trouble with anesthesia but we did discover that he is allergic to Ancef. After the Dr came out and told me that everything went well, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Then my darling husband decided to take advantage of the ability to sleep and had me worrying yet again in the lobby when an hour had passed and they had not come to get me to go back with him. Finally I checked with the receptionist and was informed that my husband had been transformed into Sleeping Beauty. Again I relaxed and a few minutes later they came out to get me. Home we went after stopping to grab some take out. Then I spent the rest of the night trying to keep him resting, a losing battle. But today his hand is sore and maybe next time he will listen to me. Probably not but at least I can say, "Remember when you had surgery and didn't listen to me" I take the victories where I can get them!