The Man of My Dreams.....

Four years ago today I married the most amazing man. He is everything I never knew I always wanted. It seems silly to say that, because he is everything I ever could have asked for and more than I thought I deserved. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.  I look back at the pictures from that day and I can feel the overwhelming joy. It truly is one of the happiest days of my life.

Our relationship hasn't been all roses, some of the thorns have been HUGE. We have been through so much in our 6 yrs together it seems like we have been together much longer, but in a good way. Its hard to see past him to what was before, it feels as though I began my life when he entered it. We have been through an unexpected pregnancy, premature labor, c-section, a sick baby who had to be hospitalized for urinary tract reflux. He has been by my side through post-partum depression, unexplained illness, crippling migraines, infertility and now Fibromyalgia. We held each other together while carrying for his ailing mother, and grieving her eventual passing. He held my hand and told me everything was going to be alright, when we faced a health scare with my own mom. We have backed each other up, helped each other's siblings, defended each other, encouraged each other, and brought each other back to Earth. Ok, that last part mostly applies to me. I admit I am "artistic" a poet. I am prone to wild flights of fancy. He grabs me by my ankles and sets me firmly on solid ground. It is something I never knew I needed. I do! He is a little shy, and a lot geeky/nerdy. But he has me to make him do crazy silly things. I remind him its ok to be silly, its ok to have fun and that sometimes you have the most fun when you make a complete fool out of yourself.

He is an amazing father. He truly enjoys being a dad.

He is my best friend, my partner, my counselor, my co-parent, my lover, my other half, my better half, the love of my life. He has taught me what love is, what it feels like to be loved, and the meaning of unconditional love. There is no one else I would want to share this journey called life with. There is no one else I would rather fight with, struggle with, parent with, and grow old with. So today on our 4th anniversary, I say here is to another 40 and beyond. I love you!

A Daughter's Worst Fear

As I write this my mom is in surgery. She is having a section of her colon removed where a cancerous polyp was located. They caught it very early and her Dr's believe that she will not need any further treatment. But I am faced with my worst fear as a daughter, the fear of losing my mom.

My parents are relatively young, I haven't considered their death or even addressed it anywhere in my mind. My parents are also both healthy. I have worried more about what would happen to them if they lost me than I have about losing them. I have never considered what my life would be like if they were not around. I have never considered what I would feel or how I would deal with losing my mom. Until now....

I have to admit I do have some issues with my mom although we have a good relationship. But no amount of issues would ever keep me from having her in my life.  I don't know what I would do or where I would go. I know how devastating it was for me when my grandma passed away. She helped to raise me, I was always with her and we were very close. I can't even imagine what losing my own mother would be like. I have not dealt with this situation, her needing this surgery. I just went on autopilot. I don't know that I am dealing with it now.

I think I am paralyzed by my fear. I think that I am afraid that if I face it, feel it, deal with it then it will be real. I am just not ready for that. Even as I sit here watching the monitor that tells me she is in the operating room, I am not dealing with it. I'm sitting here writing this and its like it is happening to someone else. It doesn't help that I am here alone. Not that more than one person needs to be here in the waiting room for the next 3 hours of her surgery. Not that even if someone else was here I would magically be ready to face this. I'm 30 yrs old, I am not prepared to face the mortality of my barely over 50 parents.

This isn't my first time dealing with this bastard they call cancer. I hate cancer, I hate the word, I even hate that it is my astrological sign. If I never spoke that word again it would still be too soon! I'm filled with anger over having to deal with this SOB again.

I dealt with the illness and eventual passing of my mother-in-law whom I adored. It was horrible. But it made me feel blessed to have my own parents. I felt blessed by their good health. Now I wonder what will I feel blessed about. This makes me feel angry and guilty. Angry because I know I have an abundance of blessings in my life. Guilty because my husband and his brothers have already lost their mom. Guilty because I feel angry at God. Guilty because I am angry. Angry because I feel guilty.

I'm in a bad place today. I can't find the beauty and the blessings right now. I have faith, and I guess that is something. Something more than not having faith. I know the blessings and beauty are there, even when I can't see or feel them. I just want to find that peace I feel, that I am so proud of.

I am going to end this now. Sorry for the rant, the little bit of a pity party.


Parting Prayer:
Lord help me to find peace. Protect my mother carry her safely through her surgery and heal her body. Help me find patience, strength and keep my faith. Forgive me for my angry thoughts, I know you deserve better. I also know you understand and you know my heart like no one else. I put my mom in your hands, I know that your will shall be done. Send your angels to protect her and your love to surround me. In Jesus name - AMEN

What I Put Up With....

This week I am participating in Writers Workshop over at Mama Kat's.
The prompt I chose is: Write a poem to your love for Valentine’s Day.


Whenever people find out that my husband does not buy me flowers and doesn't give me gifts, I always get the same response, "How do you put up with that?!" Here is my answer:


I put up with a man that gets up and goes to work everyday without fail and without complaining.
I put up with a man who comes home to me every night, without fail.
I put up with a man that is not out running the streets with his friends instead of taking care of his family.
I put up with a man who does not consider taking care of his own child "babysitting" when I am not there, its just parenting.
I put up with a man who does whatever he can to make me comfortable and feel better when I am sick.
I put up with a man who got up in the middle of the night with me when our son was an infant.
I put up with a man who was by my side while I battled post-partum depression.
I put up with a man who without complaint was willing to do anything his mom asked.
I put up with a man who was willing to put his life on hold to care for his mom.
I put up with a man who has been by my side sharing in the sadness and anger of our trying to conceive journey.
I put up with a man who loves my sister like she was his own, and even though she drives him crazy, he would do anything he could to for her.
I put up with a man who calls me BEAUTIFUL.
I put up with a man who grew up in a family where holidays and birthdays weren't a big deal, but still honors my family traditions even though we make a big deal out of everything.
I put up with a man who tries to give me what ever I want, no matter what time of year.
I put up with a man who loves my big crazy family.
I put up with a man who will take me to see sappy romance movies.
I put up with a man who will eat at restaurants I want to go to even if he doesn't particularly care for it.
I put up with a man who takes care of our son.
I put up with a man who grounds me when I need it, but also lets me fly away when I need to.
I put up with a man who puts me and our son first in his life.
I put up with a man who tells me he would be lost with me and our son.
I put up with a man who I can trust, and never have to wonder about.
I put up with a man who does the dishes.
I put up with a man who motivates me, inspires me, and encourages me.
I put up with a man who knows what is important.
I put up with a man that makes me laugh, and with whom I can laugh.
I put up with a man who watches Real Housewives, General Hospital and any other show I want to watch.
I put up with a man who appreciates how hard it is to be a stay at home mom.
I put up with a man I would be proud to have my son turn out like.
I put up with a man who defends me to myself.
I put up with a man who worries when he feels I'm taking on too much.
I put up with a man who reminds me that it is ok to say "NO" sometimes.
I put up with a man who appreciates everything I do for him, and tells me so.
I put up with a man who when he looks at me in that special way, makes me weak in the knees, and my stomach full of butterflies.
I put up with a man who makes me feel special everyday.
Most importantly, I put up with a man who LOVES me unconditionally, without fail, and so well that I know everyday how lucky I am.







Ok so maybe this turned out not be a poem, but I can put up with that.

4 yrs ago today......

This is what I was feeling 4 yrs ago today:

WE'RE ENGAGED!!!!!!!
Current mood: ecstatic

On July 28, 2005 along the Pecos River in Carlsbad, New Mexico my amazing boyfriend got on one knee and asked me to marry him. It was incredible, the river was running behind us, our son was with us, and the weather was perfectly clear. It was one of the best days of my life, second only to the birth of my son. My ring is so beautiful! It is a princess cut diamond solitaire. I absolutely love it. It is perfect. I had waited for that moment my whole life and let me tell you that it more than lived up to my expectations. It was a very special moment. It is so exciting. I AM GETTING MARRIED!!! It feels so good to say that. I could not have dreamed up a better man to be marrying. He is my partner, my best friend, and so much more. Words cannot describe the happiness that I feel. I am in ecstasy! I have so much to say and I just can't seem to find the words to describe what I am feeling. And for me to be without words is a first! I just wanted to share my exciting news with you my friends.

Now four years later, I could not be happier. I am so glad that he picked me. I could not ask for a better husband or father for our son. His proposal was perfect and so uniquely him. I would not change a thing. Ok maybe a bigger ring, just kidding. I love my ring, hell I picked it. I can't believe that it has already been 4 years since we got engaged. So much has happened in that short time that it seems like it has been much longer, in a good way.

I love you my amazing husband, you are the best. I could not ask for anything more. I love you, I love you, I love you!

In my house...

So I know that my son is only 4 and years away from texting (I hope) but I saw a news story about "Sexting" and had to put in my 2 cents.

So the whole "sexting" thing is bad in and of itself. I don't know why kids find this so amusing. I guess I have always been a little paranoid, I would be worried about who else would see or read my text. However in my day the worst we could do was write an embarassing note on real paper, imagine that. Still, as an adult with text messaging I can't imagine "sexting", even with my husband. There are too many variables. My husband could lose his phone, lend it to a nosy friend, or accidentally forward my message.

As far as the kids "sexting" well I guess I don't understand why. What happened to self respect? We have begun to go above and beyond to boost kids self esteem. Only positive cheers at organized sports, everyone plays rules and so on. So then why now are kids doing things that show such a lack of respect for themselves?

What prompted me to write this blog was not the fact that the kids are doing this, because I am speechless about that, shocking I know.

During the news report a computer program that parents can use to monitor their children's cell phones was shown to several teenagers and parents. Of course the kids said "Thats an invasion of privacy" One parent showed support and another said "Oh no Big Brother"

Here is my opinion:

If I pay the cell phone bill, I paid for the cell phone, my child lives RENT FREE in my house, I CAN and WILL monitor, search and check anything I want. I believe my child has the right to privacy. However, I do not believe that his right to privacy trumps my right and responsibility to keep him safe. My husband and I have already discussing the rules for our son. Right now there is not much we have to worry about but, he will never have a computer in his room, I will use security software to block and monitor his internet use, I will monitor and restrict his use of video games and if I see fit I will search his room. Now I am not saying that I will trample on his privacy just because I can, but if he gives me a reason I will do what I have to do as his mother. I am not interested in being his friend, I am his mother. I plan to do all that I can to have an open and honest relationship where he can and does come to me with anything. I plan to have open lines of communication and listen to his point of view. However that in no way will put he and I on the level of friendship. When he is an adult, and I have done my job, then I hope we will be friends. But when he is a child, my primary responsibility is to be his mother.

I am tired of hearing parents say how they didn't know what their child was doing. Why didn't you know? Why weren't you paying attention? STOP worrying about whether or not your child likes you. THEY DON'T HAVE TO LIKE YOU! Being a good parent is not about being popular. My mom was not always my favorite person growing up, but I grew up. I survived the rules, I survived the consequences of breaking the rules. I became a parent, and now I understand why she did the things she did. She was protecting me, loving me, and teaching me to be a responsible adult. She was right, she wasn't my friend. But she is now.

When we do not teach our children that there are consequences for their actions, or teach them that someone else is always to blame, we do them a HUGE disservice. We do them more harm than good by not setting clear boundaries and sticking to them.

So yes I think cell phone monitoring software is a good thing. I think that nowadays when kids often know more about technology than their parents, any tool parents can use to help keep their kids safe is good. However no software is a substitute for good parenting. Software or not it is still our responsibility as parents to KNOW what is going on in the lives of our children.

Sorry kids, but when you go out get a job, your own place to live, and support yourself then you can expect complete privacy. Until then, while living with your parents, in the room they let you use (no it is not yours it is a room in their house they have loaned to you) your privacy rights are very limited. My advice, be honest, earn your parent's trust and then you don't have to worry. Be dishonest and sneaky, well....

Tuesday's Tribute: My Baby Sister

Ok so this is my first time to do Angie @ SevEn cLoWn CirCuS' Tuesday Tribute.

My tribute today is to my baby sister.



She is 8 1/2 yrs younger than me and before my son was born she was the person I lived for. I admit I spoiled her. When I started working, almost every time I got paid we would go shopping. I would buy her an outfit, or whatever else she wanted. She was sort of a little mascot to my friends and I. She and I hung out a lot. Then as it always happens, she grew up and hanging out with her big sister wasn't as fun. We still hung out, but I soon became mostly a taxi, and a place to crash. When I got pregnant my due date was her birthday, I thought that it was kinda cool, although I knew I had to have a C-Section and my son wouldn't be born on that day. She didn't. She was mad at me, right like I decided what my due date was. No matter how much I tried to explain that I wasn't gonna actually have the baby on my due date, she stayed mad. Then I went in to premature labor, and every time I had to spend the night in the hospital she came to see me. When I got home and was on bed rest she was a big help. Then the baby came, at the time I still lived with my mom and sister. She has never been a fan of kids. She tried not to like him. But I think cause she was so mean to me he came out looking very much like her. He won her over. She is his Godmother and since he was baby he just lights up when she is around. It brought us closer together. She has had a tough few years. Almost a year ago she found herself pregnant. She as I said was not a fan of kids and had always said that she didn't know if she would even have kids. She struggled with it, but being a mom grew on her. A little over 6 wks ago I got the call, she was in labor. So off to the hospital we went. My sister whose mouth often rivals that of a sailor, was calm. Not a single bad word. I got to be there, got to see my nephew be born. After his birth I worried. My sister not a fan of kids, except my son, now had her own. Now she couldn't hide from the crying, this baby was dependent on her. I know my sister has more strength than she realizes, but would she find that within herself now when she really needed it. SHE DID. She has amazed me everyday since the day my nephew was born. She is a GREAT mother. She is devoted, loving and committed to him. And a little selfish, I sometimes have to fight with her to give him to me. My baby sister is not a baby, she is a beautiful, capable, amazing mom. So today I salute her for all that she is and all that she does. I LOVE YOU SISSY!

Mother's Worry

About 4 1/2 years ago this boy came in to my life and stole my heart.



I love this boy more than I could ever dream of putting in to words, and boy do I like to put things in to words. I love him more than I ever thought I was capable of loving anything. He is my baby, the light of my life, my greatest achievement and my biggest blessing. He is rambunctious, loud, dirty, hyper, sweet, loving, maddening, brilliant, and so much more. He is my angel. He does crazy things like fall asleep on the couch with a PB&J in his hand.



He is amazingly resilient. He loves everyone, he is accepting, and non-judgmental. He forgives, he forgets and he adapts. After 4 yrs of being the only baby in our family he took to being the "Big Cousin" very well. He wants to help, he thinks he knows what the babies want and tells us.



He love my sister's baby so much he has decided that it is his "Baby Brudder"



He is mischievious and if left unwatched he will sometimes take advantage and get into things that he shouldn't like my mom's long wear lip gloss. He took advantage of us after the birth of my nephew, we were tired and vulnerable.



What is all this rambling about. Well my baby is having his tonsils removed on Friday. Now because I am the mom it is my responsibility to keep it together, to be calm and reassuring. I can't be worried or nervous in front of him or his dad for that matter. But he is my baby, and I am worried, I am nervous. I haven't figured out how to be calm and reassuring for myself. Just like with my hubby's surgery last week, I know it is minor surgery, but it is my BABY! This boy is my life. He changed me in so many ways not the least of which is he made me a Stay at Home Mom. Something I never dreamed I would be. He has made me a better me. I think my biggest worry is that I have some trouble with anesthesia, and I worry that maybe I passed that on to him. My other fear, my sweet farmer boy HATES bad tasting medicine!



The transformation when trying to get him to take medicine is like Bruce Banner to Hulk. It can be frightening. I know that this is for the best, that his snoring is caused by his, in the Dr's words "HUGE" tonsils. I know that he will sleep better and be happier and healthier when they are out. I know that once the tonsils are gone the likelihood that he will ever have to have a Strep test, which he also hates, is very slim. All good things. But again he is my BABY! Since I am very aware that it is difficult to get him to take medicine, rest and sit still when he is sick. I have resorted to bribery. What does he get if he follows directions, well we promised to take him to see G-Force a movie he has been dieing to see. I know bad mom, I should just expect my 4 yr old to understand that he must take the medicine and he must rest without any reward. Well I will be that bad mom all day if it makes it easier on myself. I admit it I am selfish, I look for what will make things easier for me. But this boy I love he is more than half my size already and so therefore fighting with him is next to IMPOSSIBLE.



Besides when my bribery makes him this happy it is worth it.



So the countdown begins, 4 days until surgery. I will spend this week, worrying in secret, making jell-o and reminding my son of the rewards of taking gross medicine. And by rewards I do mean my bribery, which I may even go to the store, buy some toys to hide and use them as added incentive. Don't judge me. I need all the tools in my arsenal I can get.

An uncomfortable situation

As I write this blog my husband is in surgery. It is relatively minor surgery he is having 2 ganglion cysts removed from his left wrist. It is a day surgery but he is under general anesthesia. The surgery and the anesthesia are not really what is bothering me. The thing that is bothering me the most is the fact that my husband is rarely sick. I don't know what to do with myself. I am usually the one in the hospital bed being wheeled off to surgery or for tests. I am the one with the health problems and now I don't know what to do. I am comfortable with being the one getting treatment. I am calm and reassuring. I make everyone else feel more at ease. But being the one sitting in the waiting room is a new and uncomfortable experience. Why can't I be calm and reassuring for myself?

Before I met my husband I was proudly super independant. I am talking, shopping, movies, dinner by myself independant. I didn't mind doing anything and everything alone. As a matter of fact at the time that I met him I had really begun to feel so comfortable with being alone that I wondered if I would ever want to be in a relationship again. I had made a plan for my life if I never met that person who would make me want to share my life. Then entered my husband. No joke the first time I saw him I knew that if we were to get together he was the man I was going to marry. Perhaps it was love at first sight or God whispering in my ear "There is your husband, the man you have been praying for" Either way he was not what I had expected. He turned out to be everything that I never knew I always wanted. We have built an amazing life together. It is not filled with money or material things, but with riches of a far more important and lasting kind. We have hit bumps, pot holes, and the occassional brick wall and have figured it all out together. I love our life with our son, our relationship with each other and all that we have built. I guess seeing him wheeled away from me made me realize that I don't know how it all works without him. I mean if you take the transmission out of car it doesn't exactly continue to go.

I know that God has blessed me with more strength than I know I have. That being said, I am not sure how it would ever be ok. I am not trying to be morbid. I know that he will be ok. I know that I put him in God's hands and I believe that God will bring him back to me. But this is the first time in our 5 yrs together that anything close to a thought of him not being here has ever entered my mind. He rode a motorcycle as his primary transportation for 3 yrs and even then I was not as apprehensive as I am now. I know that it is all going to be ok, in my mind. But my heart is having trouble catching up.

I know the whole soulmate idea is antiquated and weird. But he is my soulmate, he makes me feel whole and complete. He is my perfect complement. He is my equal and the other side of my personality. We are so different but we fit together perfectly. He is the best husband and father I could have asked or prayed for. He is just what God knew I needed, much more than what I wanted.

Ok so I am sick of myself and my pity party! I know he is going to be ok and since I can't stand my whining anymore I am going to let it go. I am going to sit back play a mindless game, read or just watch CNN on the TV in the waiting room. Ok so I am not going to watch CNN because they are talking AGAIN about Michael Jackson's memorial and I am sick of hearing it. So anyway I will be back my blog buddies a little later to update all of you on the success of the
surgery.


**UPDATE**

So the surgery went great. The Dr removed both cysts one the size of a marble and the other the size of a grape. KD came through with flying colors. No trouble with anesthesia but we did discover that he is allergic to Ancef. After the Dr came out and told me that everything went well, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Then my darling husband decided to take advantage of the ability to sleep and had me worrying yet again in the lobby when an hour had passed and they had not come to get me to go back with him. Finally I checked with the receptionist and was informed that my husband had been transformed into Sleeping Beauty. Again I relaxed and a few minutes later they came out to get me. Home we went after stopping to grab some take out. Then I spent the rest of the night trying to keep him resting, a losing battle. But today his hand is sore and maybe next time he will listen to me. Probably not but at least I can say, "Remember when you had surgery and didn't listen to me" I take the victories where I can get them!