Proud to be an American

Today as I watch the inauguration of our 44th President Barack Obama, I am filled with the overwhelming sense that more than just a transition in power has taken place, but a transition of thought, ideals, and definition of what it means to be an American. We are no longer divided by the color of our skin, but united by the red, white and blue of our flag. We are not seperated by our cultural, religious, or ethnic backgrounds but brought together as Americans. The dreams of our ancestors, have come to pass. The blood that was shed to create and preserve our freedoms has not been in vain. Every step, word, hope, and prayer that came before has brought us to this extraordinary day, when we see reflected in the face of our new President, that we as Americans truly can acheive ANYTHING. No longer are there excuses or road blocks on the road to our destiny. We are the masters of our fate, and we can be or do anything we put our minds to. The blood stained road we have traveled has led us to a moment where once again we stand head and shoulders above the rest. Our sons and daughters have been ushered into a whole new world, a world that we hoped to provide for them, and one that we have worked hard to create. A world where the promise we make to each of them that no matter who they are, where they came from, the color of their skin, or their cultural, religious or ethnic background, they can be and acheive anything. This is now more than just a beautiful dream but an amazing reality. We can all stand a little taller and hold our heads a little higher because of the sacrifice born on the backs of all that came before and cleared the path that we would stand up today change our history and claim our future. No voice is to small to be heard, no dream out of our reach. All those that gave their lives to make this day possible are surely smiling down as history is made. We will shape and create our own future. The mold has been tossed aside and a free form symbol of freedom has begun to immerge. As history is made upon the podium, it is an island amidst a sea of beauty. The beautifully different faces of my fellow Americans. A sea made up of people who stood up and said not only YES WE CAN, but YES WE WILL. A sea filled with people of every color, age, religion, ethnic, cultural, economic, and social background. First generation, newly immigrated, and founding families. The day we dreamed of, hoped for, and feared might never come is here. We are forced now to dream bigger, hope for more, and let our fears go. A new day has dawned, a new world awaits, and the first steps on a new path have been taken. Freedom has rung and its echoes are being heard around the world. As the storm of our history passes a beautiful rainbow fills the sky as a shining symbol of our nation. Just as we are never able to find the end of a rainbow so is the potential of our nation and its people endless. I heard a quote that I think best sums up the gravity of this day, although I don't know who said it, it has resonated with me; "Rosa sat so Martin could march, Martin marched so Barack could run, Barack ran so our children could fly"

God Bless President Obama, and God Bless America!

I had no idea...

Five years ago this past Saturday I went out for the first time with my husband. I had no idea that, that night was the beginning of the rest of my life. I was happily single, and at a place where I did not think that I wanted a relationship. But I did want to spend time with the gorgeous guy I worked with. I had spent 2 months trying to subtly hint that I wanted to spend time with him and finally all my hard work had paid off. I had more fun that night than I had in a long time. A year later we were parents, and now 5 years later we are married with an amazing son and a wonderful life together. I continue to love him more every day than I did the day before. All this from a simple night out, a couple of beers, late night breakfast, and one hell of a kiss. I could not of predicted that night that this is where we would be today but I am sure glad that it happened.

New Years Eve....

Came and went without much fan fare, as is usually the case in our house. It was my baby sister's 21st birthday so I was quite sleep deprived from taking her to the casino at midnight on the 30th/31st. She is finally legal, and pregnant so there was no partaking in adult beverages but the gambling was fun. I actually won which is a quite nearly a miracle. Then later, much later, in the afternoon we headed to the St. James Tea Room for a proper English High Tea. Although I am not sure how proper it was because I think that High Tea is served at a specific time, but what do I know I am American. It was very nice and I think that I am just going to have to back a truck up to that place and fill it with Sugar Plum tea. Oh man was it good. Also a plus the Tea Room is a kid free zone, they have rules about it, you have to be 10 so my rambunctious 4 yr old was happily with Grandpa for the afternoon. Dinner was steak, crab, and shrimp at my Mom's, can you say YUMMY with a capital YUM! Then we sat down to watch Transformers for about the billionth time, the difference being this time it was on Blu Ray. Pause for collective OOOOOOOOOOOH! My son fell asleep in my lap and I quickly followed, I woke up just in time to see the ball drop kiss my husband, hug my mom and gaze sadly at my ginormous son sleeping soundly on my lap. We promptly headed home to avoid the drunks and crazies, I fell into my bed and off to sleep I went.

Now wasn't that just the most exciting thing you have ever heard!? Either I am getting old, or motherhood has slowed me down a step :P Either way I am glad to be a happy old married person with a beautiful son and wonderful husband so that I never have to spend another NYE in a crowded club or bar surrounded by strangers.

Here is to 2008 - may all the lessons learned make us better
Welcome 2009 - may it be the best year yet

Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009

What a year it has been! Reflection is something I often find myself doing around this time of year. I have grown accustomed to evaluating my life based on the anniversaries of losses, because at that time I am ever mindful of how precious and fleeting this all is. But those evaluations tend to be pity parties, and because of my state of mind often are not accurate or constructive. So today, I decided I would reflect on my year at the appropriate time, the end of it. Perhaps my thoughts will be clearer when they are not clouded by grief.

This year I believe God's lessons for me were, patience, humility, sacrifice, and FAITH. My faith has definitely been tested as I reached the 2 yr mark of trying to conceive. At the beginning of the year I joined a message board that at the time was helpful even therapeutic. But as time went on and the wonderful ladies that I so loved chatting with began to get their positive pregnancy tests my spirits were dashed. So I decided it was time to take a step away, I decided we would stop "trying" and just let it happen if it was going to. This was my first lesson in humility. Then several friends, my brother in law, and my baby sister all announced their impending parenthood. Each bit of "happy" news was a dagger to my heart. Again my faith was tested, and I learned humility. I perfected the happy face, and realized I must continue to be patient. I got angry, I cried, I yelled, I begged, and I pleaded. Finally I began to just pray. But monthly, like clockwork, my faith and those prayers are tested. I know how blessed I am to have my beautiful son, but the sadness still comes in waves.

My health has not been good during 2008, and this has also tested my faith. It is a frustrating thing to know that something is wrong but hear doctor after doctor tell you that they cannot find anything wrong. So last resort - the rheumatologist and a sleep study. Those results will be revealed in 2009. In the meantime I am on a new medication that makes my pain manageable and I can function again.

My prayer and hope for 2009 is that it will be filled with joy. I pray that God will grant my hearts desire and give me the baby girl I have been praying for. I hope that the 3 yr mark of my trying to conceive journey will pass without notice because I will be on the expanding belly journey. I pray that my patience and faith will increase. I hope that this year will be our most prosperous yet. I pray that God will continue to touch my husbands heart, and bless our family. I pray that my son will learn more, and act crazy less. I hope that the 3 new babies that are on the way in my family will be joined by a 4th, my own. I pray that my husband and I will continue to grow closer and our relationship will increase. I hope that I will have the determination to stick to my healthy eating and exercise plan so that I can feel better about my body and be healthier. I pray that I will be a better steward of our families finances. I pray that the housing market will turn around so that my Real Estate license is not just paper, and people will be buying homes instead of losing them. I pray that our new president will be guided by his heart and soul, so that he may be the catalyst for the real and lasting change we need. I pray that I can learn to just let go. But most of all I pray that the new year is better than the last, that in all ways my blessings are increased, and my lessons learned much faster.

Happy New Year!

Time Flies When You Are Raising A Son...

In 3 days my baby boy will be 4 years old! I cannot believe that 4 years has passed us by so quickly. It seems like just yesterday I was getting ready to go to the hospital to have him. I remember the excitement, fear and anticipation I felt. I remember feeling as if my heart would just burst the first time I saw him. I remember memorizing his face and little hands while he nursed. I can still picture him underneath the Christmas tree in his stocking. It seems like just yesterday he was just holding his head up, sitting up on his own, walking and talking for the first time. I can still feel how happy I was the first time he said "Momma" and the how deeply the knife cut the first time he said "I can do it myself!" My baby isn't much of a baby anymore. He can hold his head up, sit, walk, talk, run, go potty, open doors, put on his jacket, and play on the computer all by himself. He is the word police and happily tells us when we are saying "bad words" He can spell his name, knows most of his letters, can count to 20, and goes to school everyday. I am so proud of him and all he can do, but my heart feels sad because the time has gone so fast. Everyone told me that it would, but I guess until it happens to you, its hard to believe. So my baby is now a big boy, and as happy as I am, I feel a little sadness too!

Heartache

I am feeling pretty bummed right now. I am surrounded by women having babies. While I am happy for them, especially since most of them are first time moms, and I have already been blessed with the amazing gift of my son, my heart still aches. I have been on this trying to conceive journey for 3 years and 8 months, and I think that I am finally ready to give up. I am starting to believe that another baby is just not in the cards for my husband and I. This breaks my heart on several levels. I really want to have the girl my beloved mother in law didn't. I have always felt that my son was for my mom and dad who never had a boy. When we decided to try to have another baby I felt in my heart that it would be a girl because my mother in law wanted a girl and ended up with 3 boys. So although she is no longer with us, some part of me feels like I have let her down. I also never wanted my son to be an only child. I never wanted him to feel like he was alone in the world. I want him to have someone to grow up with. At some point, God willing a very long time from now, my husband and I will no longer be here, and I don't want my son to be alone. I know by that time he will likely have a family of his own, but there won't be anyone who shared his childhood with him. I hate to fail, and I feel like after all this time that I haven't had a baby that I have just failed. I am trying to understand God's plan for me but each month that passes it gets harder. I have always believed that God would give me the desires of my heart, and now at times I feel like I am losing faith. I HATE that! I am thankful for all the blessings that I have been given. I know that there are women out there who have never experienced pregnancy, and I have. I know my son is a gift and a blessing. I know that things happen in God's time not mine, but my heart can't take much more. I feel some what lost. I don't know what to do. I am full of contradictions. I believe that God will give me the baby girl I so desire, but I am angry that it hasn't happened. I have faith that God has a plan, but I feel so lost. I know that God is with me always, but I feel so alone. I look into the face of my beautiful son and know how blessed I am, but I steal feel cheated. All the conflict and turmoil I feel, just makes me feel worse. I feel bad for being angry, I feel selfish for wanting more when I have so much. I want to scream at the top of my lungs "WHY NOT ME" I cry, I yell, I pretend to be ok, I pray, I beg, and I hope. I hear all the platitudes, and smile. The "it will happen when it is supposed to" and the "you know as soon as you stop trying it will happen" I know that the people in my life say these things with the best of intentions, but they are like daggers into my heart. No one around me understands what I am going through. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy with what I have? I just don't know why I can't just let this go and move on. Maybe there is something more that I have to learn, maybe I need to be broken before I can be blessed. Maybe I need to just own my pain, and stop putting on a brave face and smile about this. I just don't know but I will continue to pray for clarity, strength, patience, and most importantly understanding.

Meltdown Days

Today is August 23, what should have been my mother-in-law's 61st birthday. Sadly she is not here to celebrate it. On top of which yesterday was the 9th anniversary of my grandmother's death. This delightful combination is the perfect setup that is necessary to create a massive meltdown on my part. Add a side of stomach flu, and touch of trying to have a baby for 2 1/2 years and I think I am dangerous. Not to mention I have a 3 yr old who freaks out when cry, a husband I feel I need to be strong for, after all it was his mom. But sometimes I feel strangely selfish and territorial about her. Weird I know. So I try to reconcile these feelings inside myself and will try to only cry in the shower or when I am doing laundry, since no one pays attention to me then. Two amazing women no longer in my life and that my son will never know. He met his "Grandma Linda" but was not even 2 when she passed, and I worry he will not remember her. As for my grandma she has always been his angel. My life was blessed by these women and it saddens me that they are not here anymore. It hurts my heart that these women are not here to see my son grow up. I believe that they are watching over us, but that doesn't change that I wish they were here. So to both of these amazing women: I love you and I miss you!