Heartache

I am feeling pretty bummed right now. I am surrounded by women having babies. While I am happy for them, especially since most of them are first time moms, and I have already been blessed with the amazing gift of my son, my heart still aches. I have been on this trying to conceive journey for 3 years and 8 months, and I think that I am finally ready to give up. I am starting to believe that another baby is just not in the cards for my husband and I. This breaks my heart on several levels. I really want to have the girl my beloved mother in law didn't. I have always felt that my son was for my mom and dad who never had a boy. When we decided to try to have another baby I felt in my heart that it would be a girl because my mother in law wanted a girl and ended up with 3 boys. So although she is no longer with us, some part of me feels like I have let her down. I also never wanted my son to be an only child. I never wanted him to feel like he was alone in the world. I want him to have someone to grow up with. At some point, God willing a very long time from now, my husband and I will no longer be here, and I don't want my son to be alone. I know by that time he will likely have a family of his own, but there won't be anyone who shared his childhood with him. I hate to fail, and I feel like after all this time that I haven't had a baby that I have just failed. I am trying to understand God's plan for me but each month that passes it gets harder. I have always believed that God would give me the desires of my heart, and now at times I feel like I am losing faith. I HATE that! I am thankful for all the blessings that I have been given. I know that there are women out there who have never experienced pregnancy, and I have. I know my son is a gift and a blessing. I know that things happen in God's time not mine, but my heart can't take much more. I feel some what lost. I don't know what to do. I am full of contradictions. I believe that God will give me the baby girl I so desire, but I am angry that it hasn't happened. I have faith that God has a plan, but I feel so lost. I know that God is with me always, but I feel so alone. I look into the face of my beautiful son and know how blessed I am, but I steal feel cheated. All the conflict and turmoil I feel, just makes me feel worse. I feel bad for being angry, I feel selfish for wanting more when I have so much. I want to scream at the top of my lungs "WHY NOT ME" I cry, I yell, I pretend to be ok, I pray, I beg, and I hope. I hear all the platitudes, and smile. The "it will happen when it is supposed to" and the "you know as soon as you stop trying it will happen" I know that the people in my life say these things with the best of intentions, but they are like daggers into my heart. No one around me understands what I am going through. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy with what I have? I just don't know why I can't just let this go and move on. Maybe there is something more that I have to learn, maybe I need to be broken before I can be blessed. Maybe I need to just own my pain, and stop putting on a brave face and smile about this. I just don't know but I will continue to pray for clarity, strength, patience, and most importantly understanding.