What a year it has been! Reflection is something I often find myself doing around this time of year. I have grown accustomed to evaluating my life based on the anniversaries of losses, because at that time I am ever mindful of how precious and fleeting this all is. But those evaluations tend to be pity parties, and because of my state of mind often are not accurate or constructive. So today, I decided I would reflect on my year at the appropriate time, the end of it. Perhaps my thoughts will be clearer when they are not clouded by grief.
This year I believe God's lessons for me were, patience, humility, sacrifice, and FAITH. My faith has definitely been tested as I reached the 2 yr mark of trying to conceive. At the beginning of the year I joined a message board that at the time was helpful even therapeutic. But as time went on and the wonderful ladies that I so loved chatting with began to get their positive pregnancy tests my spirits were dashed. So I decided it was time to take a step away, I decided we would stop "trying" and just let it happen if it was going to. This was my first lesson in humility. Then several friends, my brother in law, and my baby sister all announced their impending parenthood. Each bit of "happy" news was a dagger to my heart. Again my faith was tested, and I learned humility. I perfected the happy face, and realized I must continue to be patient. I got angry, I cried, I yelled, I begged, and I pleaded. Finally I began to just pray. But monthly, like clockwork, my faith and those prayers are tested. I know how blessed I am to have my beautiful son, but the sadness still comes in waves.
My health has not been good during 2008, and this has also tested my faith. It is a frustrating thing to know that something is wrong but hear doctor after doctor tell you that they cannot find anything wrong. So last resort - the rheumatologist and a sleep study. Those results will be revealed in 2009. In the meantime I am on a new medication that makes my pain manageable and I can function again.
My prayer and hope for 2009 is that it will be filled with joy. I pray that God will grant my hearts desire and give me the baby girl I have been praying for. I hope that the 3 yr mark of my trying to conceive journey will pass without notice because I will be on the expanding belly journey. I pray that my patience and faith will increase. I hope that this year will be our most prosperous yet. I pray that God will continue to touch my husbands heart, and bless our family. I pray that my son will learn more, and act crazy less. I hope that the 3 new babies that are on the way in my family will be joined by a 4th, my own. I pray that my husband and I will continue to grow closer and our relationship will increase. I hope that I will have the determination to stick to my healthy eating and exercise plan so that I can feel better about my body and be healthier. I pray that I will be a better steward of our families finances. I pray that the housing market will turn around so that my Real Estate license is not just paper, and people will be buying homes instead of losing them. I pray that our new president will be guided by his heart and soul, so that he may be the catalyst for the real and lasting change we need. I pray that I can learn to just let go. But most of all I pray that the new year is better than the last, that in all ways my blessings are increased, and my lessons learned much faster.
Happy New Year!
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